Once again we're at Dragonstone, the ancestral home of the Targaryens. But it's the invitation from Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage) that has brought Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) to this rocky and potentially hostile shore.
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"Bastard of Winterfell," says Tyrion by way of greeting.
"Dwarf of Casterley Rock," answers Jon.
Pleasantries over, Tyrion ditches the Bob Hope-Bing Crosby routine in favour of an observation. "General rule of thumb: Stark men don't fare well when they travel south."
"True," says Jon the bastard. "But I'm not a Stark."
Who exactly is he, then? We know he's a Targaryen – the son of Daenerys's brother Rhaegar and Ned Stark's sister Lyanna – but he doesn't. Here comes a clue, though – if only he weren't too scared to notice its significance.
A dragon swoops low as it flies overhead, and Jon and his travelling companion Davos (Liam Cunnigham) drop to their bellies while soiling themselves ever so slightly.
"I'd say you get used to them," Tyrion offers. "But you never really do."
Up on the hill, Varys (Conleth Hill) is wondering why Melisandre (Carice Van Houten) hasn't gone down to greet Jon. After all, it was she who insisted Dany should meet him.
"I've done my part," she says. "I've brought ice and fire together."
Besides, she knows Jon might not be too pleased to see her, what with all the "terrible mistakes" she's made – like inciting a father to set fire to his daughter, which in turn incited the mother of said daughter to hang herself, which in turn incited father and husband of said daughter and wife to lose the will to fight and, ultimately, the will to live.
Then again, she did bring Jon back from the dead, so it kind of evens out, don't you think?
In the throne room, Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel) introduces her queen.
"You stand in the presence of Danaerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, rightful heir to the Iron Throne. Rightful Queen of the Andals and First Men. Protector of the Seven Kingdoms. The Mother of Dragons. The Khalisi of the Great Grass Sea. The Unburnt. The Breaker of Chains."
She neglects to add "Your Auntie", but she probably just ran out of breath.
It's Davos's turn to speak for his bossman. "This is Jon Snow." Pause. "He's King of the North."
Love that brevity. But Dany is having none of this king bollocks.
"I assume, my Lord, that you are here to bend the knee," she asks.
"I am not."
Oh dear. This isn't going very well, is it?
So why are you here, she asks.
"Because I need your help, and you need mine. Everyone you know will die unless we defeat the enemy to the north. I am not your enemy. The dead are the enemy. The army of the dead is on the march. If they get past the Wall and we're squabbling amongst ourselves, we're finished."
It's a stirring speech but Dany sees it, and raises it one.
"So many men have tried to kill me, I've forgotten their names," she says. "I have been sold like a brood mare. I have been chained and betrayed, raped and defiled."
She's referring, we presume, to her wedding night, when Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa) took her against her will, which seems to be rather a thing in Game of Thrones.
All that kept her going, she says, was faith. "Not in any gods, not in myths and legends. In myself. I was born to rule the Seven Kingdoms, and I will."
"You'll be ruling over a graveyard if we don't defeat the Night King," insists Jon, stubborn to the last.
Stuck in this conversational cul de sac, Dany attempts to lighten the mood by offering Jon and Davos a warm bath and a square meal.
"Am I your prisoner?" he asks.
"Not yet."
Elsewhere, our cast isn't faring much better. There's Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen), fished from the drink by one of the few surviving vessels of Yara's fleet, only to be left floundering like a fish on te deck.
Where's your sister, the ship's captain asks.
"I couldn't save her, I tried," lies Theon.
The captain: "You wouldn't be here if you'd tried." *Drops the mic.
In King's Landing, Theon's uncle Euron (Pilou Asbaek) parades his catch through the streets. He drags Yara (Gemma Whelan), Ellaria Sand (Indira Varma) and her daughter Tyene (Rosabell Laurenti Sellers) on leashes behind his horse, to the rapturous cheers of the hordes.
He laps up the love. "This is making me hard," he says.
He rides right into the throne room to present his prizes to Cersei (Lena Headey).
"I give you what no other man could give – justice," he tells her, hoping it's enough of a dowry to win her hand. "Justice for your murdered daughter."
"You shall have what your heart desires," says Cersei. "When the war is won."
Euron is appointed commander of Cersei's navy. More cheering. "There's nothing quite like it is there," he mutters to Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) at his side. "The love of the people. But you wouldn't know."
"The same mob spat at my sister not so long ago," says Jaime. "And if you turn on us they'll cheer to see your head mounted on a spike."
"Or yours," says Euron. "They just like severed heads, really."
True 'dat.
Enough of this sparring, soon-to-be-brother-in-law. I'd like your advice. "Does she like it gently or rough," he asks of Cersei. "A finger in the bum?"
Oh, he's a piece of work that one.
Down in the dungeon, Cersei – wearing a rather odd shade of pink lipstick – has a confession for Ellaria, who is gagged and chained to the wall. "I don't sleep very well," she says. "I lie in bed and stare at the canopy imagining ways to kill my enemies."
She's looking at Tyene. "Your daughter's a perfect Dornish beauty," she says.
She's working up to her revenge for the death of her own daughter, Marcella, at Ellaria's hands. Or, rather, her lips, coated as they were in poison just before they were planted on Marcella's.
As Ellaria writhes in horror at what she knows is coming, Cersei plants one on Tyene. This is no lipstick lesbian moment, though, it's the kiss of death. The death "could take hours or days, depending on her constitution," says Qyburn (Anton Lesser). Either way, Ellaria will be kept alive long enough to watch every last breath pass from her daughter's pain-wracked body.
Back in Dragonstone, Tyrion and Jon are on a clifftop overlooking the sea, having mistakenly wandered onto the set of Poldark. Jon is deep in sulk mode. "You make me feel like a failure at brooding," says the little man.
He urges his sometime friend to swallow his pride and ask for something Daenerys can afford to give. Then he persuades Dany to give Jon the dragonglass – aka obsidian – he so desperately needs. "It's worthless to you," he says. "You didn't even know it was here until now."
She agrees, and promises him "whatever resources and men you need".
"So you believe me then?" he asks.
She doesn't answer that, merely says: "You'd better get to work, Jon Snow."
Up in Winterfell, Littlefinger (Aidan Gillen) is out-enigmaticking Dany as he follows Sansa (Sophie Turner) on her tour of the castle.
"Don't fight in the north or the south," he says. "Fight every battle, everywhere, always, in your mind. Everyone is your enemy, everyone is your friend. Every possible series of events is happening all at once. Live that way and nothing will surprise you. Everything that happens will be something that you've seen before."
Before Sansa can say WTF, a soldier runs up with the news that someone's at the gate.
It's her long-lost brother Bran (Isaac Hempstead Wright). She certainly didn't expect that. Did Littlefinger?
Bran tells her he can never be lord of Winterfell, or anything else, because he's the three-eyed raven now.
"What does that mean," she not unreasonably asks.
"It means I can see everything that has ever happened and ever will happen to everyone."
Oh good. So can you tell us how this is all going to end, because George RR Martin doesn't seem to be able to.
In the Citadel, Jorah (Iain Glen) gets the all-clear, his scabrous pox having been successfully removed by Sam's sneaky midnight treatment. The Archmaester (Jim Broadbent) takes Sam (John Bradley) aside, and Sam briefly imagines he's going to get a reward for his efforts. Instead he gets a pile of decaying manuscripts to copy.
"Your reward is not being immediately expelled from the Citadel," says the Archcurmudgeon.
Back in Dragonstone, Tyrion is running through some hypothetical scenarios. The siege of Casterley Rock, already underway, could go really badly (cue shots of the Unsullied being slaughtered) or it could go very well (cue shots of the Unsullied sneaking into the castle through the secret passageways only he knows about). Of course, the latter is the course Grey Worm (Jacon Anderson) and his men actually take the fortress.
But there's another scenario, which Tyrion didn't foresee. Jaime has taken most of the forces away from Casterley Rock and laid siege to Highgarden. It's a ruse Robb Stark once used against him, he confesses to Olenna Tyrell (Diana Rigg), and there are "always lessons in failures".
"You must be very smart by now," she says, working on the fairly safe assumption that she's stuffed now whatever she says.
She notices Jaime is carrying the sword once worn by Joffrey, who made her daughter Margaery's life such a misery. "What did he call it?"
"Widower's Wail," says Jaime.
"He was a c---, wasn't he," she says. Man, is she going out in style.
She adds a few choice thoughts on how evil Cersei is, but having enjoyed a morning glory in his sister's bed he's firmly back in her camp. "When people are living peacefully in the world she's built, do you think they'll be wringing their hands over the way she built it?"
"She's a disease," Olenna spits back. "I regret my role in spreading it. You will too."
Jaime has had enough. "I think we're done here."
She asks how she will die, and he runs through a few of the extremely unpleasant options Cersei had floated. He, however, talked her down. He pours a small vial of poison into her wine glass.
"Will there be pain?" she asks.
"No, I made sure of that."
"That's good. I'd hate to die like your son," she says, while rather wickedly, and belatedly, admitting that it was she, not Tyrion, who poisoned Joffrey.
"It was horrible for me, not at all what I intended," she adds. "Tell Cersei. I want her to know it was me."